When I’m angry with my husband, I go shopping for him —Sandra Kolade

Abimbola Kolade is the Oyo State Commissioner for Lands, Housing and Survey. He is married to Sandra. In this interview, they talk about their 16-year-old marriage

How did you meet each other?

Abimbola: I met her in Port Harcourt when I was working there in 1995. Then, she came for her national youth service. She is a graduate of the University of Ilorin and when she was posted to Port Harcourt, my younger brother, who was also in Ilorin, told her to see me whenever she got to the city. He gave her my call card. One day, I was outside my office, when she walked past me and went inside to ask after me. I went inside and she introduced herself as the one from my brother in Ilorin. From then on, she became like a younger sister to me. After her service, she returned to Ilorin, and I was equally transferred to Ibadan. Then, the story changed. It was pressed on my heart to look for her because that she would be the woman I would marry.

 What was the attraction?

Abimbola: Everyone thought she was my younger sister but then, the tables changed and we have been married for 16 years. We got married on August 16, 1997.

Sandra: I can’t really place it but we fell in love. I just saw the godly nature in him.

 As a youth corps member, did you sense he would woo you?

Sandra: Then, we stayed far from each other but he still visited me. He was very protective of me. There was a time I was about to be posted to the airport and one of the directors said I should come and live with him since his wife was not around.  He was very angry and said I should tell them that my elder brother doesn’t like such a thing. He always dropped me at work, came for me again at closing time, took me to church but it was a platonic relationship.

 Was there any opposition?

Sandra: My mother died when I was very young and I only talked about my father.  He visited my father and they became very good friends. When I told my father about him, he just gave him 100 per cent approval.

 For 16 years, how has the union fared?

Sandra: It has been wonderful and we have been growing together. It’s been a learning process and God has been faithful. Unlike him, I don’t communicate much and I withdraw to my shell. He likes discussing and this was a problem after we got married. Anytime anything went wrong, he expected that I would talk but I didn’t. Some horoscope believers said we cannot make a good couple because I was born on August 4, his birthday is August 11 and we got married on August 16. I made up my mind that I would be the fool in the marriage and would always keep quiet and humble myself. Initially, he was not romantic and as a Theatre Arts graduate, I desire a romantic man. Fortunately, he has learned that over the years.

Abimbola: It was easier blending as one because we started as friends and shared each other’s vision. Before we got married, I told her about my political dreams and that also endeared me to her father because he was a politician. God has been helping us to get along. If there is any problem between us and any of us is angry, by the end of the day, we would accept our faults and forget about everything.

 Is there anything you don’t like about her?

Abimbola: No, she knows what I don’t like and would not do them.

 When you quarrel who apologises first?

Abimbola: Any of us. If I was the one at fault, she would say she didn’t like the way things were going and apologise. I also do same and we don’t encourage external interference.

Sandra: We have our way of settling scores but we don’t do that outside. We don’t quarrel outside and when we do at home, it’s inside our room and the children don’t even know. We will lock ourselves inside and we would not come out until we settle the issue.

 Initially, were you comfortable with his political ambition?

Sandra: Yes, because I grew up with my father, who was a politician. So, when my husband delved into politics, it was easy for me to cope. Whenever he went on campaigns, I followed him and everybody knows us together in the political circle.

 How do you cope with women who flock around politicians?

Sandra: I understand that aspect of his life and don’t get jealous. If you are married to a public servant, you would know you are not the only one who admires him. It’s left for the man to fear God. Also, his wife must learn to pray very well. Nothing good just happens, it takes time, planning, prayers and communication. I am used to all that and whenever anything puzzles me, I ask my husband. He doesn’t mind and he would tell me everything.  Now, he writes down all he does everyday and when he gets home, he tells me. This is because we are both busy (I’m a civil servant) and we both work very late.

 So, when do you have time for the home?

Abimbola: We have five children and the last child is about nine years old. We set our priorities right and we put God first in everything. I give my home, especially our children, the attention needed. I still put them through with their books especially mathematics. I could just mark out a day in one week and dedicate it to my family. I try to create time for them during holiday, when we discuss and play like their friend. We try to make our children our friends for them to understand our situation and also be able to relate with us properly.

 How do you handle pressure from women?

Abimbola: When I see them, I look away and whenever there are funny text messages, I don’t bother to reply. Also, I open up to my wife and she knows everything that I do. God has been helpful.

 Have there been any trying times in the marriage?

Abimbola: Yes. There have been trying times but we have learnt to stay together and fight together.

 Has there been a time you regretted marrying your husband?

Sandra: Sincerely, there are times you feel bad but when such occur, you immediately dismiss the thought. If you are not careful, things might go upside down. Whenever I am angry, he stays calm and to move forward, I forgive and let go.

 How does he know you are angry?

Sandra: When I am angry with him, rather than talk, I would go shopping and buy him clothes, shoes etc.

Abimbola: She would keep to herself but when I am angry, I say it and we talk things out.

 For 16 years, you have been in this union, what is your advice to other couples?

Abimbola: Know God and hold on to Him. He is the only way out. Moreover, make your spouse your friend. Communication must be encouraged. Don’t hide anything from your partner and let them know all secrets, so that outsiders would not capitalise on that.

 Do you have any pet name for each other?

Abimbola: I call her Olumi.

Sandra: I call him Olami but I have changed that. After 16 years, I don’t find it romantic again.

 What are the romantic things that you do?

Abimbola: I love to make her happy, play with her, tell jokes and I also buy her gifts. She buys gifts more than I do and when she is angry with me, she still buys.

Sandra: Now, he has some Oyo poems he recites for me. Also, he has learnt to take me out at least thrice in a week for lunch. As busy as we are, I still make his food and take his lunch to him in the office. I don’t want anybody to give him lunch, especially women.

 Does he have a favourite meal?

Sandra: Yes. He loves amala, ewedu and gbegiri soup. I could not prepare that when we got married but I learnt it from his mother and I have also taught my children because they are all girls.

Punch